So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Randomize
