Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
