I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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