I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
