just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
