$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
