omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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