I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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