My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
