Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
