hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
