I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I believe in your delicious
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
