She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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