Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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