I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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