I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
