dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
