I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
