I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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