I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
