the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
