I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
