Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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