i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize