Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Randomize