i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
