I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
