Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
