I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
