so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
