Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
