Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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