I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
