Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Someone came in the potted fern
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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