Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she smelled like a LAN party
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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