she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
