I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
