If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
