I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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