this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
