I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
