You're a womanizer and a bitch.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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