this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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