We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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