Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I got chris browned last night
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
