i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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