wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
time to smoke my breakfast
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
