____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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