I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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