Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
