Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
