guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
