having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize