hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
