I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize