hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
