I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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